Kill The Lights
by Thai Tea Addict
Summary: Kaga and Shindou reconnect years later. Kaga knows he's fallen for a troublesome guy, although it's hard to tell what weighs on Shindou more - his ghosts or his rival. KagaHika, implied AkiHika


**A/N** : Tried writing something new because Writer's Block. Hahaha~

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Hikaru no Go. Also, some of the quotes are from the tumblr _putthepromptsonpaper_.

 **Pairings** : KagaHikaru, slight AkiHika.

 **Warnings** : Why do I let myself do this.

* * *

 **Kill The Lights**

* * *

Their reunion is nothing grand, almost exceptionally droll aside from the fact that Shindou can even recognize him at all. Strict dress codes for the average Japanese salaryman had robbed Kaga of his trademark red hair, but his feral smile kept the OLs at work in a constant state of appraisal or dismissal. Overtime and the stress of unwanted micromanagement lined the older man's features lightly but the remnants of who he was remained in the sharp glare of his eyes and the twist of his smile. Perhaps, Kaga had reflected, there remained just enough of that aggressive junior high boy that he had been to catch Shindou's wandering eyes in the bar that night.

Shindou had greeted him with a grin, still boyishly handsome despite being in his late twenties. It was irking to Kaga, in a way, that Shindou could keep to that same ridiculous hairstyle from their school days. Blond bangs had looked strange even then, but on a full-grown man - it looked equal parts ridiculous and charming.

They'd chatted just a little. Kaga had to leave earlier to be coherent for work the next day and Shindou seemed perfectly content to sit at the bar longer. They'd traded cards and phone numbers with the usual lines of promising to get back in contact, maybe go out for a drink - empty promises Kaga was used to making at this point in life with absolutely no expectations to be met.

The second time they meet, it's in the same bar. Shindou is there first, one shotglass in hand as he cheerfully recounts his latest game with the bartender. For his part, Koujima-san seems interested - which honestly surprises Kaga because he didn't think the man cared one wit about Go. The salaryman takes the seat next to his former underclassman at the Go player's urging, and showing tact that he'd lacked in childhood, Shindou drops the subject of Go games in favor of conversing with Kaga about more general matters.

Shindou is single, doing very well in his career, and adjusting to life in his new apartment with enviable ease. It makes Kaga recall his own rough start at his company, living in a tiny apartment with a kitchen that barely functioned and a small, sputtering AC that only worked half of the time he needed it.

"Are you seeing someone?" Shindou asks, his smile teasing. "I think you look more approachable without the red hair. You actually look human."

Kaga smacks the other man on the back with slightly more strength than polite, but Shindou does nothing more than laugh. It's clear the man's horrible sense of humor hadn't changed in all these years.

"No one recently," Kaga grunts in answer. "Although I bet I still see more action than some dorky Go player."

"Eh? Do I look dorky?" Shindou echoes, more amused than offended. Kaga wonders where he gets the confidence from.

"Are you trying to tell me that women are just throwing themselves at you?" Because if they are, then Kaga had certainly missed that trend.

Shindou laughs into his drink. "Not really," he answers. "But who knows - maybe that's just because they know I'm not interested."

There's a strange twist in the intonation there. Kaga thinks about it for a long moment, taken aback - because if Shindou really was hinting what Kaga thinks he's hinting, then he's missed way more than he thought he had.

"What, like Touya Akira's disinterest? Go is the only thing you guys really think about, after all," Kaga comments casually.

Hikaru is silent, draining his shotglass while staring straight ahead. He looks frightening in this moment, and Kaga wonders if this is what Shindou's opponents see from across the goban - someone who can smile as they sacrifice and tear parts of themselves to pieces.

"Touya really does love Go," Shindou finally returns, tone light and eyes dead. "But he's totally kicking our asses in the relationship arena - he's already engaged."

Ice drops into the pit of Kaga's stomach, echoing the sound of the empty shotglass Shindou is setting back atop the counter. The Go player calls for another refill from an indulgent Koujima-san a moment later but Kaga sets his hand over the glass on instinct.

Shindou looks at him, confused but patient - he looks almost kind, the smile on his face small and understanding. He says in one look that he acknowledges Kaga's pity but wants nothing more from the salaryman; after all, they were classmates years ago, friendly acquaintances then and now.

No expectations, just like Kaga.

Well - what's the point? He had nothing to lose.

"Where's your place?" Kaga asks.

* * *

His muscles scream with exhaustion and his eyes are ready to close, but he's satiated in a way he hasn't been in a long time. His fingertips dig into flesh but he doesn't dare let go - there's something about Shindou that threatens to fade away if not held, and even now it feels more like a fever dream than reality.

"Talk to me," Kaga murmurs.

The night answers in Shindou's voice. "About what?"

"Everything you don't want anyone else to know."

Shindou whispers something and Kaga's eyes slip close.

Kaga wakes up the next morning in Shindou's apartment. He can't be bothered to feign embarrassment for sleeping with a former underclassman; instead he picks up his clothes from the floor and pulls them on, leaving Shindou slumbering peacefully on the bed as he pads out of the room.

The apartment is small, a 1LDK that still manages to look nicer than Kaga's own place. There's a goban with a recreated game in the living room, a bookshelf nearby stacked with Go books and kifu collections. Go Weekly's latest issue is on the coffee table between the couch and TV, Touya Akira's stern face its latest promotional image. Kaga finds a red marker and graffiti's Touya's image, face almost unrecognizable under the oppressive ink.

* * *

They fall into a relationship that Kaga doesn't fully understand yet isn't pressured to label. There's no sense of exclusivity - he knows he could easily get a girlfriend and Shindou wouldn't even bat an eye, but the idea grows less appealing as the days pass. Kaga blames Shindou for that, seeing as the man approaches their interactions with no amount of serious thought. Kaga consoles himself with the idea that most of Shindou's brain activity is reserved for Go and he has yet to mentally mature into his actual age. It's a petty thought, even by Kaga's standards.

"You don't want to play?" Shindou asks, motioning to the goban in the corner with the knife he's using to dice the green onion. Kaga doesn't even look up from scrolling through the television channels, slouched on the sofa.

"No fucking way," he answers. A woman on screen screams as she falls dramatically from a tall height, plunging into the rushing waters below her.

Shindou laughs. "Shougi snob," he teases.

Kaga doesn't explain that the only reason he refuses is so that Shindou won't compare him to anyone else. It's a nasty habit Kaga thinks the other man has developed at some point, but he has the feeling Shindou uses it most harshly on himself. Kaga still doesn't know who the Go pro is trying to measure himself against.

"Hey, don't you know it's rude to watch TV while eating dinner?" Shindou complains, setting their meal atop the table.

Kaga gives him an unimpressed look. "Everyone watches TV while eating. What are you, some stern matriarch?"

"That would make you my spoiled, rebellious son, wouldn't it?" Shindou laughs, amused by the image, but takes the remote and turns off the TV anyway. Kaga almost complains but work was exhausting that day and the food Shindou has made smells good, so he only grumbles a little as he joins the other man at the table.

Kaga picks up his chopsticks after saying a quick thanks. "Geez, it was almost over," he points out gruffly. "I wanted to watch the ending."

Shindou is nonplussed and Kaga wonders when the other man became so hard to ruffle. "You haven't seen that movie before? It was popular when it first came out years ago, I thought everyone had already watched it by now."

"I watched it with my girlfriend at the time," Kaga waves off. "That twist at the end was the best part of the movie."

Shindou makes a disagreeable noise. "That was the worst part! It was such a predictable ending."

Kaga grins. "What, you're one of those pessimistic types? I never figured. I thought you'd like those happily-ever-after stories."

"You don't always get a happy ending," Shindou says. "Sometimes you don't even get the satisfaction of an ending."

If it had sounded bitter, Kaga could have shrugged it off. The matter-of-fact tone Shindou had spoken in was enough to turn the taste of the food in his mouth to ash.

* * *

Kaga never introduces Shindou to his friends. Likewise, Shindou doesn't introduce Kaga to any of his - but this doesn't stop the Go professsional's friends from introducing themselves. In all fairness, Waya could claim it was only natural for him to burst into his friend's home without so much as a greeting - indeed, Shindou looked genuinely bored despite his door having been thrown open as Waya strode in ranting, but that didn't make Kaga feel any less awkward.

Thankfully, Waya felt just as awkward - unlike that blond-banged bastard Kaga currently had pinned to the floor, half-naked.

"Waya, you said you were stopping by Thursday," Shindou complains from underneath the salaryman, still not bothering to remove his hand from the rear of Kaga's jeans. "You can't always burst in here just because Morishita-sensei lectures you."

Waya would defend himself, but he's still making inarticulate guttural noises, brown eyes blown wide as he tries to take in the scene. Kaga doesn't _want_ him to take in the scene and is currently in the process of disentangling himself from his useless boyfriend.

"Shindou, you- you- you have a boyfriend?" Waya finally manages out, sounding strangled.

Kaga stands, scrambling back and attempting to pull on his shirt while simultaneously button up his jeans. Shindou remains completely unhelpful, apparently unbothered as he flips over on to his stomach to leer at his friend in the doorway. "Actually, he's just some hooker I-"

"Shindou, you complete that bullshit sentence and I will kill you," Kaga growls. He's given up on his shirt but there's no way he's facing this interaction with a hard-on and lax jeans.

Waya has hit his limit on what he is ready to accept, backing away hastily and knocking his shoulder on the doorframe in the process. Shindou looks unaccountably amused but doesn't bother replying to his friend's hasty apologies as he turns tail and bolts.

Kaga gives the man on the floor a nasty look. "Well, I hope you don't work with him-"

"I totally do," Shindou sing-songs, unrepentant.

Kaga takes a deep breath. Lets it go. Counts to ten in head, then another ten out loud. Shindou watches him with that same galling grin as if he's orchestrated this entire scene.

"I'm leaving," Kaga says. _Before I do or say something I regret._ Likely involving giving Shindou a black eye because honestly? The man wasn't nearly as annoying as an adolescent when he feared Kaga's wrath.

It is Shindou's absolute stillness that gives the Go professional away. The smile never drops and his eyes don't waver, but his body tenses as if Kaga has said something unforgivable. The salaryman feels irrationally guilty and flounders for a moment.

"Bye, then?" Shindou teases lightly.

Kaga glowers for a moment, needles in his heart pinning him in place. "Your expectations are set too fucking low," he growls. He turns on his heel and storms into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

The fifth of May is horrible. Kaga can describe it no other way - Shindou's mood veers wildly from wistful to manic cheer, and it takes all Kaga has to keep up. Shindou doesn't seek company nor consolation, but the way his eyes cling to Kaga when he's around is so needy that it frightens him.

Shindou is terrible, as is the company he keeps. Waya calls to make sure Shindou is still breathing ( _"Why wouldn't he be?"_ Kaga demands.), Isumi drops by with lunch and to ask softly for a game that Shindou denies in favor of folding laundry, and even Touya ( _fucking_ ) Akira shows up at night looking winded and angry. This, naturally, infuriates Shindou into playing a match that ends up with both of them yelling but otherwise looking satisfied.

Which is, of course, the most bitter thing about the whole day for Kaga. He doesn't complain because after Touya leaves, Shindou has this look on his face that's either moments away from laughing or crying and Kaga isn't ready to deal with that yet either.

Instead Kaga makes dinner, forces Shindou to eat some of it, and then complains about the annoying people his boyfriend knows. "Do they do this all the time?" Kaga grouses. Isumi usually has the decency to call ahead and this is the first time Touya has ever come to the apartment while Kaga is present.

"Only around this time," Shindou answers absently.

Kaga almost asks why but thinks better of it. "That's so annoying. Stop throwing tantrums at your age, it's unsightly."

Shindou mocks him in a high-pitched voice and Kaga is violently reminded of both Tsutsui and Mitani all at once.

"Take care of yourself for once, would you?" Kaga gripes. He has no ill-intent but that doesn't mean he will mince words. "Nobody's going to stick around and make sure you're okay."

Kaga doesn't even hold it against him when Shindou's punch levels him to the floor.

* * *

"What was high school like?" Shindou asks one night.

Kaga raises an eyebrow. "You didn't go?"

"No, I wanted to focus on Go. I don't regret my choice, but I've sometimes wondered what it was like... Akari told me that preparing for the university exams was Hell on Earth."

Tetsuo thinks of the three years Akari could have had with the boy she'd so obviously adored and is amused that Touya took that from her too. "You two were friends from before Haze, right? You still keep in touch with her?"

"Not anymore," Hikaru answers blithely.

They don't say anything more on the subject.

* * *

Waya is awkward every time they meet and Kaga can't decide if he's tired or amused by this reaction. On one hand, this keeps conversations between them short and gets the other man to leave quicker, but on the other hand he seems like a decent guy and he also has the good sense to dislike Touya as much as Kaga does.

"Touya never even realized it," Waya points out one night over dinner, sounding bitter. It's refreshing to hear someone so honest. "That Shindou- _you know_. It was so obvious to everyone, but he-" the Go player cuts off into barely-intelligible cursing. Tetsuo is watching the doorway Shindou has\d gone through in order to buy some drinks from the nearest convenience store, but he nods in answer.

"Would Shindou have had a chance?" Tetsuo asks. He wonders if it's weird to be asking about his own boyfriend's unrequited love.

Waya is uncomfortable, but he gives this due thought before nodding. "To be honest, I already though they were... But then news of Touya's engagement got out. Shindou was really depressed."

Kaga sighs. "Was that around May Fifth, then?" It would explain a lot if it was.

Waya's bemused look is startling. "No, that was in winter... oh! You mean that weird thing he does in May? He's been doing that since he was a first-dan."

Tetsuo stares at him. "...That was ten years ago."

Waya shrugs, "It's Shindou. He's weird."

That would be fair but Shindou nearly broke his nose in May so Tetsuo isn't that forgiving. "What happened on the fifth of May?"

* * *

Tetsuo smokes in bed. It's a habit that annoys Shindou, something the salaryman soon realizes because Shindou - in the true spirit of his profession, a display of cunning and strategy - complains straight to him about it, every single time Tetsuo lights one up. Tetsuo, being a mature adult, compromises by blowing smoke into the other man's face or kissing him to shut him up, the latter somewhat more effective than the former. Namely because Shindou is distracted from smacking him for a few more minutes.

Sometimes, though, Shindou will just lay docilely next to him. It's in these moments Tetsuo is made uncomfortable - Shindou's eyes are sharp flints of green in a smooth face, categorically analyzing Tetsuo with a subdued intensity. The air always hangs thick between them in these moments, as if Shindou is considering the weight of his words and wondering if Tetsuo is strong enough to hear them.

Tetsuo isn't - even he knows this. Shindou knows this too, so he will always end up turning onto his other side to fall to sleep. It's frustrating and tiresome, to know your own weakness and be unable to do anything about it.

Tetsuo thinks his only strength is that he does not know _him_ \- this makes it easier for Shindou to pretend everything will be alright.

* * *

The second time Tetsuo meets the adult Touya Akira, it's Christmas Eve and he's nearly electrocuted himself setting up a Christmas tree. He wouldn't have bothered with something so stupid - neither of them are American or Christian - but it's the kind of stupid thing Shindou seems to like, so Tetsuo decided to try his hand at it. Touya takes in his venomous glower and glitter-laden hair with a quiet but solemn look, and Tetsuo chokes down the urge to strangle the man with tinsel.

"Shindou isn't here?" Touya asks politely.

"Does it look like he's fucking here?" Tetsuo throws back in irritation.

Touya is not discouraged by his attitude and Tetsuo hopes it's because all of Shindou's friends hate the Go player in at least some small capacity. (Isumi might be too genial to really hate anyone, but Waya was definitely nursing a grudge and Nase had been persuaded to their side after Touya's engagement.) Instead the Go professional raises an eyebrow, managing to look patronizing without sneering.

"This is his apartment," Touya points out, still sounding reasonable.

 _And I'm his boyfriend,_ Tetsuo almost says. He can't tell if it would come across as boastful or defensive so he switches tracks. "He's picking up some food from his parents' house. Go away."

"I'll go see him there then," Touya decides primly. Tetsuo snatches him by his arm, rough enough to get a wince in response.

"He's probably already on his way back. Can't you just until you see him next week at work!" Tetsuo demands, releasing the man with a scowl.

Touya turns a look on him that's colder than winter. "I want to see him today," he says.

"I'm going to fuck him as soon as he's back so he has no time for you today," Tetsuo announces. An interesting expression comes across Touya's face and he colors red, but to Tetsuo - it's more out of anger than embarrassment. It's as infuriating as Tetsuo knew it would be.

"Go spend the day with your _wife_ ," Tetsuo waves off. "Can't you tell when you're not wanted?"

"...Kaga-senpai, Touya."

Both men turn at Shindou's voice. Shindou looks like he'd rather turn around and pretend that he's not seeing his boyfriend and his rival argue on his doorstep. However, he's holding the ingredients for the hotpot they're having tonight and Tetsuo refuses to lose the chance of a delicious meal to Touya Akira.

"I keep telling you to call me 'Tetsuo'," the salaryman grouches.

Shindou ignores him in favor of turning his attention to Touya, and Tetsuo vows to make him regret that later when they're alone. "Touya, why are you here? Natsume-san must be lonely in that house of your's."

Shindou knows way too much about his rival's personal life, but Touya doesn't look scandalized. "She's fine, I already explained I was going out to see you," he dismisses.

Tetsuo snorts.

"Ah, really?" Shindou looks surprised. "I thought for sure you'd want to spend the day with her. Sorry, but I already have plans for today."

Tetsuo tries to look imposing and preens under Touya's withering glance. "But we meet every year," Touya points out. From anyone else, it would have sounded sullen. From him, it just sounded like Shindou had forgotten about an important appointment.

"You just got married," Shindou returns lightly. "And I see you every week anyway. Seriously - go spend Christmas Eve with your wife."

He says it so nicely, it's obvious he's pulled something from Isumi's mannerisms. Tetsuo can't decide if he wants to strangle Shindou with the tinsel as well.

"Did you want to come over for a match, then?" Touya asks. There's an intense, unrelenting zeal there that Waya had once described to Tetsuo - and it's just as scary as described too. It's no wonder to Tetsuo then, that Touya could lock eyes with Shindou across the goban and not be cowed by what he saw.

When he chooses to see.

"Touya," Shindou says gently. "I'm spending the day with my boyfriend. Please - leave."

There's a moment where Tetsuo honestly thinks Touya won't - he doesn't look angry, but there's an air to him that suggests he's contemplated doing something heinous to Tetsuo for getting in the way. Instead he nods and murmurs a quick apology, striding away but not too quickly - just in case Shindou calls him back.

Shindou doesn't turn to watch him go. Instead he shuffles past Tetsuo and into his apartment, the salaryman closing the door after him, not quite believing Shindou allows him to do so. Shindou is setting out the ingredients on the kitchen counter, humming quietly, a buzzing sound that fits in too perfectly with the festive decorations Tetsuo has arranged around the apartment.

Tetsuo locks the front door, turns around to watch the other man. Shindou is admiring the half-finished Christmas tree with a small grin.

"...I thought you loved him," he finally admits, coming to stand next to the man.

Hikaru doesn't look away from the tree. "I decided to stop," he answers.

* * *

 _"He's gone and I wonder if I was the one who killed him."_

* * *

Ten years down the line, Tetsuo is trying and failing to roll the scrambled eggs he's made for breakfast. The miso soup has come out perfect - it's literally the only thing he can make decent on average - but the fried fish smells promising this morning and he can't help a small, victorious smile.

"Papa's smiling," his son mock-whispers from behind him.

Hikaru's voice is equal parts conspiratorial and amused. "I guess that means breakfast is edible this morning," he mock-whispers back.

"Laugh it up, you're gonna be begging for the recipe once you try this!" Tetsuo declares to his family, setting the table with their meal. "A lovely traditional Japanese breakfast!"

His son says his proper thanks without prompting - no one's quite sure where he's picked up his impeccable manners, as their friends all lament that both men have none - and starts on his breakfast enthusiastically. Hikaru is giving him that grin that makes Tetsuo want to kiss him and smack him, not necessarily in that order.

"Oi, slow down - you're going to choke and then who will save me from Papa's cooking?" Hikaru cried. Their son giggles at his theatrics. He's a happy child, not of their blood but their's in every way that actually counts.

"Oh, so after school today - can I go with Daddy to the go salon?" he asks sweetly.

"Sure," Hikaru shrugs. "Kawai- _jiisan_ was whining about missing you anyway."

Tetsuo snorts, reaching forward to swipe a stray grain of rice from the child's cheek. "You really love Go, don't you, Sai?"

"Yup!" Sai agrees cheerfully.

Tetsuo makes an agreeable noise and carefully keeps his eyes off his lover. There was a time when he wanted to be everything to Hikaru - but he's aware enough now to know better. Hikaru will always love Go more than him-

"I'm gonna be a Go player, just like Daddy! I'm gonna find the Hand of God!" Sai announces, eyes resolute.

-and Sai more than Go.

* * *

 _Fin._

* * *

 **A/N** : This ended happier than I thought it would.

 _Story note_ : Kid!Sai may or may not be Sai's reincarnation - it's up to interpretation at this point. Sidenote, the usage of first names identifies the point in time Kaga and Shindou actually start to fall in love with each other - Kaga falls first, quite a bit before Shindou does.

Original idea for this fic was Shindou picking up a string of lovers, culminating in Akira having an extramarital affair with him on a semi-permanent basis. (Kid!Sai would be the surprising result from a previous lover, haha~) It ended with Kaga because I liked the idea of Kaga having no real awareness of Sai or his impact on the Go world (or Hikaru), and just falling for post-Sai Shindou just because he's _him_. Well, that and because the original idea was just so sad...

Anyway, **kindly drop a review.**


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